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Having car troubles, is anyone free to give me a ride Monday morning to Wethersfield?? Thanks a bunch!!
Well, hello LJ world. Its been a while since I have posted! I hope you all out there are doing well.

I haven't had a panic attack in ages about 4 mojnths now. Still going to therapy. Not relying on booze to make me feel better. But, using choices in my life now which are good. I am slowly beginning to have control over choices. I have learned the hard way TRUST me and I am still paying the price. The life is better. I could be better a bit, more. I have Ezcema on my arms which I am saddened by. My skin used to be flawless. LITERALLY. *sigh*

My concert schedule was awesome for the summer.

1. Bury your dead
2. The veer union, Halestorm, Since October and Burn Halo
3. Static X
4. Vans Warped tour
5. Halestorm, Lo Pro, Shine Down Hinder
6. Disturbed
7. Mayhem festival

that's all i can remember. i had SECOND row to Chevy Theater to see Shinedown.!! I met halestorm, veer union and since october all three bands and ALL members signed my summer road map.

I'm also heading to see Tantric 8/2.

I'm proud of myself and how drinking is slowing down how I want and am eager to change my life. I have accepted that I travelled down the road I did and no one else. Time to face the consequences and learn from my mistakes. NOT BLAMING others. That realization is hard, but it's worth it. Because we aren't flawless. We are made to make mistakes. Otherwise, we wouldn't learn. Sometimes it takes a long long time, but it's worth it in the end.

Dan and I were rocky for a while. But are doing so much better. I think we are in it for the long haul. Depression can kick someone's ass but it's not beating me into the ground. I realize that I got to do something about it. I am no longer on medication. I want to work though this with proper therapy and diet. Keep my positive outlook. I still read Joyce Meyer. I don't follow her word for word but she des offer valued points. My life is getting better. I am doing my own website. Photos of the show (Staind) are up it's cherrybutterfly.s5.com

Thanks.

Oh hey Larry, I am going to check out Insane Clown Posse!! 12/2.

I am also hoping to catch D 12 coming.

I won't be able to see Method man and red man and Ghostface :(

But, that is all good because Dinosaur Jr Makes up for it on 10/7 :P
So I am doing okay. Better than what I was doing on 3 18 I quit completly. My therapist thought it would be bad to go to Wheeler and her at the same time. I guess it's okay. I am doing better. I am much stronger mentally than I have ever been beforel...
Hey Larry!! Twizted is coming to the Webster...I'm hoping to check them out...

Good things good things..therapy is working wonders..haven't had a panic attack in what i think is ages..i'm accepting myself more and realizing i am good. i checked in the adult education in new britain, but they are doing their spring semester right now. so I got a list of ideas on what i want to take in the summer. i want to work on my license too. one step at a time i know...


RIKIBETH...green day is coming out with a new album yaya...do you want to see new found glory at the webster?? Email me and we can go!

I'm realizing it was my low self esteem that caused me to drink not my love of beer. I just want to be not perfect but be who I am. In the center of myself. I guess. I want to be that person that could have a drink and that's it. Just a drink and have confidence enough to walk away. One day I will get there. One day...

I love you all and thank you for your support :)


Okay, I made some good strides. Three days sober now. So that is a good thing. Compared to usually what I do today. I am still continuing treatment with Anxiety Center and I am going to the Wheeler Clinic for their Intensive Outpatient Porgram on 3/18. I also told the girls at Applebee's so they don't serve me when I go. They still want  me to go.
And not drink. So they do care and it's nice. I don't know why I continuiously seek approval.

On another good note, I am going to the Busnhell 5/14 and see Anthony Bourdain. The man of my food life. I am also deciding to check out a few things now that I need to be busy.

                       Langauge class: polish, russian or german
                         Jewelry and scrap book class and candy making class

                                   Women s workshops
                     Meditation
                                  Cooking classes
                      Poetry Workshops :)

These are what I want to do...

:)


News, I have a sponser, and I am going to an AA meeting tomorrow. I also registered with Wheeler Clinic for their intensive outpatient clinic so 3/18 is my first appoinment. I also am continuing my therapy with the Anxiety Treatment Center. The panic and anxiety comes from drinking. I realize that now and I don't want to be this person any longer. I'm a good person and I deserve better. It's time I started thinking it and belieiivng it. I found a few churches that teach the practical bible around here as I been reading a lot of books by Joyce Meyer. I think she is a wonderful woman who is very good with her words and makes me feel I can do anything.  Right now, I  need that feeling more than any feeling in the world I have to keep reminding myself that I can and thank you all for all of your support and kind words. I truly do have good friends. Thank you.

I want..

I want to be a better person than I am. I want to have the respect, for myself and my surroundings. I do not want to live like this any longer. I want to be in control of my emotions and feelings. I want MY life. Not someone else's and I am going to start doing it right  now. I am no longer going to please other people. I am going to worry about myself and making sure I am happy and healthy. I want to be mature and be treated with respect from my peers and co workers. This is not happening now. I feel lost. I feel alone. I don't want to be. I want to have friends and support and I need to reach out. Tonight, I am going to the Wheeler Clinic for their AA meeting and I've been reading books by Joyce Meyer and bought her bible recently. I just want something more substantial then I am giving myself. I want to be better. It's going to take time. But, this time, I truly want to.

If the people who treat me like crap, treat me like crap it's because they don't know me, and it's because maybe I don't give them or myself a chance. Right now. My life is me, and Im worth giving myself a chance.
I have a drinking problem. I am addicted to alochol and I need help. I can't do it anymore by myself. I just feel that I lost who I am. Does anyone ever feel like this? Someone help me.

things..

  • Things I hate
  • I hate relying on booze to make me feel better. I have not drank in a bit now and it feels good to be in control of  my thoughts and feelings.
  • I hate loosing control.
  • I hate myself sometimes for not being the person I want to be. But, I love myself for wanting to try to get better.
  • I deserve better thoughts.
  • Better image
  • Good friends
  • Good life.
  • I hate not thinking that I do all the time.
It just sucks :(

It's been a while...

It's been a while I know. I have been going through quite a bit. You can find me on facebook. I just haven't written or updated in ages.

I have been in the hospital t wice since i've last posted. Anxiety, alcohol, depression and stress. It is hard. But, I am realizing. 


                                                       That I put myself down too much.   That I don't give myself enough credit. That I am ADVENTUROUS and do not need booze to supplment that. That I am kind, considerate, caring, and an amazing woman. If you don't like me, you don't know me. It would be a great sadness if you didnt take a chance in knowing me. Cause, I am good. I am loyal. I am trustworthy. I am someone that you can benefit in as a friend. What I am saying is, that I am someone I CAN benefit as a friend. I have or am finding my way in this world. It is hard. But, I am not demeaning myself anylonger. I mean, hell, paula deane found her way at 42. Go figure. The thing is life is life and it's never too late to change, to fly or to find your path. The only thing that is stoping us, is that  we don't have the will to change, or the want.

                                                            In Other news. I purchased 2 tickets for disturbed. Dan is going with me. anyone else out there going in April???